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Navigating Sleep Deprivation and Anxiety as a New Parent
Becoming a parent is one of life's most transformative experiences. You're holding this tiny, beautiful person who depends entirely on you for their survival. You might have all kinds of feelings, love, anger, confusion and many more. But one of the biggest challenges faced by new parents is sleep deprivation—a state so commonly associated with newborn care that it’s almost a rite of passage. However, for many, this isn't just about being tired; it leads to a vicious cycle of anxiety and sleep deprivation, making an already challenging situation feel even harder.
The relationship between anxiety and sleep is a two-way street. Lack of sleep can make anxiety worse, and anxiety can make it hard to fall asleep. This cyclical relationship can easily spiral out of control, especially when you’re responsible for a newborn. Often people find the solution to turn on the sleep trying cry-it-out methods or stopping breastfeeding during the night. There do not actually solve this issue of anxiety and sleep.
We are not built to birth and parent the way that we do, over the last few 100’s of years from industrialisation it has increasingly become popular to get back to work, get a body’s back, support the husbands whilst at the same time running the household raising other children, oh AND we have to take showers and brush our hair. Huh?!? Sounds like a lot. This is the tip of the iceberg of what is expected on new parents and especially new mums. NO WONDER we are full of anxiety, but the more we feel anxious the less like we are able to sleep and the less we sleep the more anxious we get.
Dealing with the sleep is not really the answer here so let’s look at why?
Increased Anxiety: The lack of rest sets the stage for heightened anxiety. As a new parent, your mind may race with worries. "Is my baby getting enough to eat?" "Why is she crying again?" "Am I doing this right?" These worries keep you on edge, even during those rare moments when you could rest. Not to mention if you had a negative birth experience or a traumatic birth can cause more anxiety as you can be stuck in fight or flight mode.
Sleep Deprivation: You’re up several times a night feeding, changing, or soothing your baby. Your sleep comes in fragmented bursts, making it nearly impossible to feel rested. Research shows that poor sleep quality directly impacts your emotional regulation, heightening feelings of stress and anxiety.
Perpetuating Sleep Deprivation: Anxiety interferes with your ability to fall or stay asleep, creating further sleep deprivation. The more anxious you are, the worse your sleep gets, which in turn makes you more anxious. Not only these but you are more likely to look at screens or the clock which is going to increase your cortisol level
Difficulty Falling Asleep: When you finally do have the chance to sleep, anxiety keeps your mind active. Despite feeling exhausted, your brain doesn't shut off. You're lying there, wide awake, dreading the next time your baby wakes up or catastrophizing about what you might be doing wrong as a parent.
And so the cycle continues.
This relentless loop affects nearly every aspect of your life:
Relationships- to those nearest and dearest, they are trying to help but it is like putting a plaster (band-aid) on broken leg.
Parenting skills- it can feel like we are failing because we are told that parenthood looks a certain way… reality is that it looks very different to that.
Social pressures of how babies should act also impact how we feel about our baby. When the baby is just being a baby, and it’s our thinking that needs to change.
Self-image – not just about how well we think we are parenting but how we are coping with life and this new life AND what we physically look like.
Our ability to make rational or coherent decisions.
Though the sleep-anxiety cycle can feel inescapable, there are ways to disrupt it. It’s important to prioritize both your mental and physical health, even when it feels impossible. Here are some strategies that can help:
1. DEAL WITH THE ANXIETY – seek help. Yes getting some sleep will help but if you never address the under-lying issue of the anxiety your body will be stuck in flight or fight!
2. Accept help - Parenting is more than a full-time job, and it's okay to need help. Whether it's a partner, family member, or friend, let someone take over some of the responsibilities. This can give you a much-needed break to recharge or take a nap. If hiring help is an option, consider a night nurse for even one night a week.
3. Mindfulness and Relaxation Techniques - When anxiety is keeping you awake, practice mindfulness or deep breathing can help calm your racing mind. Apps like Headspace or Calm offer guided meditations specifically designed for sleep. Even 10 minutes of focused breathing can signal to your body that it’s time to wind down.
4. Breastfeeding your baby is not the problem here. Unless there is truly an underlying issue with breastfeeding, it is not the reason you or your baby isn’t sleeping. Breastfeeding is protective of sleep.
REMEMBER: you are learning, your baby is learning and your family is learning.
The sleep-anxiety cycle is a tough reality for many new parents, but it doesn’t have to control your experience. While caring for a newborn is undeniably exhausting, it's also a period of immense growth and learning. By taking small steps to manage your sleep and anxiety, you can make the transition into parenthood smoother for both yourself, your baby and your family.
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